August 7th, 2018 I could see the clock tickling around 6.
As my fingers reached for the 38 notifications on the cell phone kept beside, I could sense the forthcoming darkness about to succumb my morning.
Yes, the last text read “Its a break up”.
I could read, but not sense.
The ability to feel anything had just like disappeared for the next few minutes.
A range of feelings, a rush of unsettling thoughts, what I was feeling at the moment couldn’t be pinned down in mere words.
There was anger hustling through my veins, there was sorrow, there was regret, but in the background of all these chaotic, perturbing thoughts, I could sense a benign inner voice whispering “it’s still not late”.
But was it right on my part to ask her to stay?
Was my love not enough?
I could not digest the fact that my relationship has come to this point where I could see the rainbow of my dreams being overshadowed my these dark clouds and yet do nothing.
For once I thought maybe I am overthinking a lot, but no this was a reality.
There was regret, but a sense of self-respect too.
The inner me was seeking for those unanswered questions.
Anger was what which had conquered my mind and my ability to even think of her part of the story was just paralyzed.
It took me a while to get back to my senses and to my astonishment, I could realize a laggard shift of my anger towards self realisations.
I still could not believe how my love which was deep beyond the ocean was now restricted to the surface.
The messages she sent last night caught my attention once again and believe me she had poured her heart out.
Yes, I could hear those messages.
Freedom was what she wanted.
When you are so much engrossed in someone, unknowingly you start to take her for granted.
It dawned upon me that what I considered as love was nothing but a battle for me, a battle I was fighting to claim her, to possess her as not my girlfriend but my property.
To my dismay, I didn’t even know with whom I was fighting this battle too?
Whatever it may be one thing was clear, her respect, her love, her feelings were somehow been restricted to merely a pawn in this gambit.
When you have fear but not love, not
trust as the pillar of a relationship, things just go out of hands like this only.
Unintentionally I had created a cage for her and named it as LOVE, but I forgot that the bird will cross its boundaries into the bright sky one day, beyond these primitive, irrational and conservative shackles which I had set for her in the name of love.
I realised it was me who had betrayed her, the damage was done on my part.
We met as a stranger on the path which led to the destination we imagined together.
She was now again a stranger with all my secrets!
I was gradually realizing the difference between love and possession.
It was not just me, the great Osho realised it far before as he quoted-
“ If you love a flower, don’t pluck it, because if you pick it puck, it dies and ceases to what you love. Love is not about possession, it’s about appreciation”.
I wanted to call her, to talk to her, to feel her hands in mine, look into her eyes and say “ I love you”.
But I feared the doors closed for me, it was too late maybe.
But could I let her go this easily, this beautiful part of my life was not destined to end this way.
An uncontrollable urge to call her was overpowering all my anger and false self-respect.
The next thing I knew, I was hearing a shivering voice repeating the same two words “it’s over”.
She cried, she complained but kept repeating “it is over”, but deep down inside the heart of both of us, we knew it was not.
Today when I have her back, I don’t want to but I do confess, not as a boyfriend but as any normal human being, I learned the lesson of my life.
Mutual respect and trust are the pillars of any stable and happy relationship.
Give her space, if she’s yours, she will stay tight not in your arms but in your heart.
Without trust, without giving her freedom to express herself, to discover herself, even thinking of a happy relationship is out of the pale.
“Udne do khule aasmaan mei in parindo ko ghalib, Jo tere apne honge, wo laut ghar wapas zarur aayenge”
-Written by Rohan Sahay(A Guest Post)